Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news, even that about Coachella 2025, doesn’t need to be complicated or confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon:

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Coachella 2025 rocks out the California desert

Hey, JD Vance, don’t get too excited about the festival, it’s Coachella, not Couchchella.

‘The Breakfast Club’ turns 41

The original cast is now almost old enough to make a sequel called ‘The Early Bird Dinner.’

Woman arrested at restaurant after insisting Jesus Christ would pay for her dinner

In fairness, he’s the one who turned their water into an expensive Burgundy.

Trump playing golf while markets crash, soldiers who died in Lithuania come home, Midwest floods

The tiny dimpled golf balls on that guy …

Denver Nuggets fire Coach Mike Malone

Does that make this the Post Malone era?

Lawyers have the 4th highest suicide rate

C’mon, you guys need to really try harder.

J.Lo calls her body “better than ever” in skintight leotard

… No word if she then took herself out for dinner and movie.

Bill Belichick’s girlfriend Jordon Hudson announces she’s competing for Miss Maine USA 2025

And, if that doesn’t work out, there’s always being named ‘Prom Queen and King.’

Musk tells Cabinet DOGE will cut $150 Billion after first saying $2 Trillion then $ 1 Trillion

The only thing dropping faster is Tesla stock price.

Happy 91st birthday, Jane Goodall

Even at 91, bet you still monkey around. Wink. Wink.

There are 5 companies with worse customer service than Comcast

Someone tried to reach Comcast for a response and are still on hold.

Eminem’s a grandfather

He’s getting near that age where he needs to start worrying about becoming a Replacement hip hop artist.

Nurse who snapped photo of patient’s penis surrenders license

So, where’d they discover it? In her junk mail?

Happy National Poetry Day

… A day where ‘I think, therefore iambic.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)