MAGA Emergency Kit – Act Now! - Nellie Bern, Humor Times

On sale now, the MAGA Emergency Kit: Order now before the price doubles thanks to tariffs.

By Nellie Bern

On sale now for the low-low price of $19.99 (plus a modest $20 “patriotism processing fee”), the MAGA Emergency Kit! Supplies are limited due to shipping delays from our offshore manufacturing partner — the completely uninhabited McDonald Islands, where child labor isn’t a legal issue because, technically, there’s no one to arrest.

Order now before the price doubles thanks to tariffs imposed by a guy who doesn’t understand what “tariff” means!

Contents of the MAGA Emergency Kit (because Freedom needs accessories):

1. One Confederate Flag + Box of Twinkies. Perfect for hosting meetings titled “Why Woke Is Worse Than Ebola.” The Twinkies double as food storage and foundational MAGA food pyramid items. Bonus: flag makes a great picnic blanket for Civil War reenactments that only cover the “good parts.”

2. Cancer-Causing Miniature Windmill. Scientifically unproven but emotionally satisfying. Set it up across from a liberal, wait for confusion, then yell, “SEE?! They don’t want you to know!” Powered by the tears of Greta Thunberg.

3. Border Revolving Exit-Only Doors. Install at any border to ensure immigrants just spin in place until they give up or learn English. “Ellis Island? Never heard of her.”

4. Scented Keffiyehs with Disintegrating Deli Capsules. Hand these out at campus rallies. Within 10 minutes, wearers reek of kosher pastrami, thus instantly betraying their revolutionary street cred. Hamas support turns into a craving for matzo ball soup. Genius!

5. Yemen Drone Model Kits. Launch from anywhere in the USA — backyard BBQs, Bass Pro Shop parking lots, or Uncle Kenny’s deer blind. Precision strike is not guaranteed, but chaos? Oh yes.

6. Federal Pink Slips Pad. TSA agent gave you a funny look? Airline worker enforcing a mask mandate? Postal worker. FBI Agent. Write ‘em up like a real MAGA doctor! Because if Dr. Oz can do it, why can’t you?

7. Toyota Emblems for Tesla Conversion Therapy. Stick ‘em over your Tesla EV logo and add the “We Hate Musk” bumper sticker. Why? Because he stopped being fun after turning Twitter into X

8. Marjorie Taylor Greene Pull-String Doll. Pull the string and she yells: “DUCK! The Jewish space lasers are recalibrating!” Comes with replaceable batteries and a laminated QAnon decoder ring.

9. Bleach-Filled Syringe for Instant Viral Disinfection. Inject directly into bloodstream for that smooth, Trump-approved, internal Clorox cleanse. Guaranteed to do something. (Disclaimer: may also void health insurance.)

10. Stock Portfolio Surrender Gauge. Watch your retirement slowly die in real-time! Makes a great desk toy and conversation starter, especially with your broke uncle who thinks gold bars are still currency. Make retirement a thing of the past.

11. Magic 8 Ball (MAGA Edition). Ask it any question, and it lies right to your face. Options include:

• “Absolutely NOT rigged.”

• “COVID was a hoax.”

• “Trump won in 2020, 2024, and retroactively in 2008.”

12. Melania Bobble Head in a Slovenia Flag.

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