Smokey the Bear Jr Talk Radio Interview

Wherein our intrepid talk radio show host interviews Smokey the Bear Jr.

ANNOUNCER

From beautiful downtown Slenderville, Minnesota, it’s the Minnesota Nice Radio Show. And here’s your host Tommy Ellis.

TOMMY ELLIS

Welcome to the show. Lots happenin’. My brother got married over the weekend. It was one of them mail order brides from overseas. Matter of fact, I ordered an Eastern European mail order bride. Been waitin’ a long time. When I complained, the post office said my Czech may be lost in the mail. Who’d ever thunk? Today my guest in studio is Smokey the Bear Jr.

Good mornin’, Smokey.

SMOKEY THE BEAR JR.

Did you remember to bring the lox? I love salmon.

TOMMY

I love salmon, too. But never heard of a bear eaten locks. I know they can pick em’ by golly.

SMOKEY

What about the plain bagels?

TOMMY

I called a friend of mine who owns a grocery store in Moorhead, but he told me plane bagels are used for flyin’.

SMOKEY

I outta swallow you for breakfast.

TOMMY

Time out. I brung ya some gummy bears. They’re my favorites.

SMOKEY

Well, I hope you choke to death on those gummies. Then people will say you were killed by bears.

TOMMY

You betcha, sounds heroic. Tell me how your father became Smokey the Bear.

SMOKEY

Smokey wasn’t his real name. It was Kishim Tuchas. He was 600 pounds.

TOMMY

Holy crap! Prit near the size of that singer Jelly Roll.

SMOKEY

Anyway, pops was born in the Capitan Mountains of New Mexico. It’s about 207 miles south of Albuquerque.

TOMMY

I heard of Albuquerque. Read where a boy died when a cow tipped over on him while he was drinkin’ milk from her udder.

SMOKEY

Do you know what grows in Albuquerque?

TOMMY

Your appetite?

SMOKEY

The crime rate. My pops was orphaned as a cub because of a forest fire. Paws burned to a crisp. Thank goodness a ranger rescued him.

There is a pause.

TOMMY

And? Finish the story.

SMOKEY

Not until you get me a jar of honey.

TOMMY

And not until you admit Goldilocks disappeared after she met the three bears. Them are suspects.

SMOKEY

No way. I can prove it.

A phone call from Goldilocks.

TOMMY

Jeepers creepers. Goldilocks is on the line!

GOLDILOCKS

Is this Tommy? Is this Tommy?

TOMMY

Ya don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignorin’ ya the first time. Where ya been all these years? We thought you was dead.

GOLDILOCKS

No. Just my brain. Hey, I can’t make this long. Burnt my ear ironing.

TOMMY

Still a dumb blonde.

GOLDILOCKS

Why? Just because I take a ruler to bed at night to measure my sleep?

TOMMY

Hell. That’s normal where I come from.

Listen up. Smokey Jr. wants to say somethin’ to ya, Goldilocks.

SMOKEY

Now that we know you’re alive, the three bears are innocent. Anymore rumors and I’ll strangle you with my bear hands. And what do you know about bears anyhow?

GOLDILOCKS

I’m an expert. There are black bears, brown bears, polar bears, gummy bears. That’s a bear with no teeth. Bare knuckles, bare naked.

TOMMY

I can’t bare listenin’ anymore. My guests Smokey the Bear Jr. and Goldilocks. See ya tomorow.

Minnesota Nice
(c) Dean B. Kaner

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Dean Kaner

Dean B. Kaner is a playwright and screenwriter, having co-produced and co-written plays for the stage with performances in New York City, Chicago, Minneapolis, Los Angeles, Boston, Detroit, Phoenix and Memphis. Check out The Jerry Duncan Show on YouTube, as well as on Instagram, and the sketch comedy A Bit of Biden (on Instagram) and at @abitofbiden on TikTok.