Other Stuff in Kristi Noem's Stolen Purse

More has come out about the contents of Kristi Noem’s stolen purse.

Celebrating the 10,000th American citizen swept of the streets and dispatched to the COTEC mega-prison in El Salvador, Sec. of Homeland Security Kristi Noem suffered the theft of her purse at the sole remaining Hooters restaurant in the continental United States. More has come out about the contents of the stolen purse.

Kristi Noem in El Salvador, stolen purse — Ms. Noem at first blamed one of the prisoners behind her, until she remembered she still had the purse at Hooters. Photo by DHSgov, Public Domain.

Noem, a former Sports Illustrated swimsuit model (1994) and one-time server at Hooters in her native S. Dakota, was named by President Donald Trump to head up DHS earlier this year.

Contained in Noem’s purse, according to the subsequent police report, were $3,000 cash, a package of Trojan condoms (a personal gift from Trojans CEO Elon Musk), her DHS badge, a driver’s license and a memory card from a secondhand iPhone 2G, vintage 2007.

Noem said she received the phone from DoD Secretary Pete Hegseth in order to participate in confidential Signal chats. Noem also disclosed that the memory card contained upwards of 250 candid shots of the DHS Secretary in “compromised positions.”

An investigation is currently underway by the U.S. Secret Service, a part of Homeland Security. An insider source, speaking on condition of anonymity, described the ongoing investigation as “an effing circle jerk.”

According to a member of Noem’s team, the purse also contained medications (Cialis, Viagra), a passport, blank checks, copy of a diploma from Trump University and a bogus I.D. identifying the DHS secretary as Melania Trump.

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Bill Tope

Bill Tope is a retired (caseworker, cook, construction worker, nude model for art classes, and so on) who lives with his mean little cat Baby.