Trump Pardons Judas Iscariot - Michael Perlman, Humor Times

By Michael Perlman

Breaking News: President Trump has pardoned Judas Iscariot of all crimes.

Sean Hannity (Fox News) interviews the president:

SH: Mr. President, your bold audacity is legendary, but you’ve surpassed yourself this time. Can you tell us why you decided to pardon Judas Iscariot?

DT: Judas was a real patriot, Sean – they weaponized the Gospel to persecute him and hold him hostage in Hell for thousands of years. An awful thing to do, very very awful.

SH: But he ratted out Jesus, the Messiah and Savior.

DT: Sean, everyone knows that Jesus was a fake messiah, a real loser. He preached “Love thy neighbor”, but I preach “Love thy neighbor’s wife and grab her pussy.” It even took him three whole days to move that boulder – not a very big one – to get out of that cave. I moved boulders a lot larger than that to hide those documents at Mar a Lago.

SH: That was truly a miracle, sir.

DT: Yes it was, a very big one. Judas did a beautiful thing, and he wasn’t greedy either – he only asked for 30 pieces of silver to expose that fake messiah. I would have got 300 because I know how to make deals.

SH: Sir, don’t you think it will be hard for people to forgive Judas?

DT: No, Judas was treated very unfairly. Hell is a horrible, horrible place. I’ve thought about it often – there’s fire and brimstone and a lot of nasty women who will sue you if you even think of grabbing their pussy. And the devil lawyers are terrible – they charge millions and poke you with their pitchforks if you try to do the weave. It’s an awful place.

SH: Sir, many people believe that Jesus was the Christ and call themselves Christians.

DT: Come on, everyone knows that Jesus was a born loser. The Son of God? How many hotels did his daddy leave him? He was only crucified because he was so skinny – they’d never be able to nail me to a cross. And that ascension was rigged – all those apostles were illegals. Judas was a patriot who cleared the way for the real Messiah to arrive now, in our time.

SH: Sir, do you mean that you…

DT: That’s right, Sean – from now on everyone will call themselves Trumptians. Just follow Me and 70 virgins will seem like a drop in the bucket. Worth waiting for, wouldn’t you say?

SH: Amen, my Lord.

DT: And see that stack of DJT Bibles by the door? I’ll give you a special price: $666 each – pick up a dozen on the way out.

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