Presidential endorsements from your favorite magazines
Rolling Stone endorsement – “Jerry Garcia Man! He’d make the bitchiness President ever! Wait, what do you mean he’s dead?”
Playboy – “Bill Clinton! We’d be able to make a lot of copy if he were back in the saddle!”
Cosmopolitan – “Our endorsement is for Sarah Palin! What a hot cover we’d have if she were elected! And the sexy articles we could write.”
Sports Illustrated – “Bring Teddy Roosevelt back from the dead. He’s the only real man in the President’s seat since Andrew Jackson!”
Consumer’s Reports – “We’ve said Ralph Nader the last two elections and we’ll say it again this one even though he isn’t running!”
The Conservative – “We still want Gingrich! We’re just stuck with the Mormon guy. Of course, he is better any day than the black guy.”
MAD Magazine – “We’re in for Romney. Obama is too difficult to make fun of. Romney is a walking target.”
Better Homes and Gardens – “Obama! Not that we want him, but his wife has just the touch that our readers like. No Negroes normally live in the neighborhoods we write about.”
TV Guide – “Definitely, unquestionably, firmly, our endorsement is for Romney. He’s owned by FOX News and they are our biggest advertiser.”
High Times – “What election?”
Field and Stream – “We sell hunting which means selling guns which means the NRA which means the Republicans which means Romney whether we like him or not.”
Philosophy Today – “In the ultimate realm of things and in the true height and breadth of the mammoth universe in which we live does it matter for whom we give an endorsement?”
Maxim – “Jessica Alba! Who cares if she knows nothing about politics? She’s hot!”
National Geographic – “Since the only ethnic about Romney is his Mormonism we feel obliged to back Obama. In our history if we had only ever done articles on boring Anglo-Saxon businessmen we would have gone out of print long ago.”
US Magazine – “We don’t care who wins. We’ll be able to come up with crap about either one of them.”
Esquire – “Oh, PLEASE!! Must you ask? We only write about cool people. Do you think Romney would fit that bill?”
Reader’s Digest – “Romney. It would be a lot less work condensing what he has to say.”
The New Yorker – “Only the urbane, the sophisticated and the intellectual for us. Obama is our man.”
Ebony – “Now just who do you think? Romney is so white bread and slick he would just slide right off the page if we wrote about him.”
Vogue – “Since our magazine is entirely based on looks it is a difficult decision. Both men arre good looking and good dressers. Obama would be favored on being a cooler dresser, but would lose points because his ears stick out.”
Humor Times – “Can we get George W. back? We always had an endless source of material with him around!”
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