The news, as one twisted mind sees it
In the news, McDonald’s announced a huge increase in sales in November after its first-ever drop in October. There are three reasons for the rebound in world sales. McDonald’s officials chalked it up to increased TV advertising, new dessert items and Colorado legalizing weed.
PBS announced Sesame Street will teach kids about divorce and how it’s never their fault. PBS is such a waste of money. Sesame Street turns children into socialists in the morning and then Masterpiece Theater turns them back into British aristocrats that night.
The European Union was awarded the Nobel Peace Prize in Oslo on Tuesday, news reports say. The EU has its mission. It took Germany a hundred years to figure out if you conquer Europe with bankers instead of tanks you get all the domination and none of the war crimes trials.
President Obama recognized the Syrian opposition as the legitimate representative of the Syrian people. We’re all in. The president added that he has no plan to send U.S. troops to Syria, as if having no plan ever stopped a U.S. military invasion in the Middle East.
According to news reports, Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader was killed by a drone strike Tuesday in Pakistan. He was the sixth number-two leader of Al-Qaeda we have assassinated by drone. It may not have done that much damage when you consider that our number-two leader is Joe Biden.
London nutritionists released a study Tuesday saying the low-carb Atkins Diet is the healthiest way for you to lose weight. It really works. The diet is so wildly popular that the Vatican just approved a low-carb communion wafer called I Can’t Believe It’s Not Jesus.
North Korea made news when they launched an ICBM sixteen hundred miles Tuesday that left a satellite in orbit before it landed in the ocean. They Photoshop their missiles to make them look longer-range than they really are. Sounds like Anthony Weiner found work as a consultant.
President Obama dismissed Iran’s threats to support Syria’s government Sunday. He said he’s crippled Iran’s economy with sanctions. Thanks to the president’s work over the last four years, Iran doesn’t have the money to support Syria any more than we do.
WalMart announced it will open its stores at midnight Monday on the day the Mayan apocalypse is foretold. This certainly didn’t help WalMart open new stores in Mexico. The Mayans have written a letter protesting the crass commercialization of the apocalypse.
Exxon said Wednesday the U.S. could soon be a net exporter of oil and gas and the U.S. could overtake Saudi Arabia as the world’s leading producer of crude. You have to get lucky. When the U.S. struck porn in the West San Fernando Valley, our output of crude quintupled.
Michigan Governor Rick Snyder signed the right-to-work law Wednesday, prompting Teamster chief Jimmy Hoffa to predict a civil war. That’s ridiculous. The South is already trying to secede and if the North secedes at the same time, there is nothing to fight about.
Also in the news, Harvard officials approved a club house for a student bondage group Tuesday. They are a kinky group who like to spank and be spanked, tie each other up and torture each other for sexual gratification. It sounds like one fraternity figured out a way to get around the ban on freshman hazing by seeking refuge under the prostitution laws.
Congress held hearings on performance-enhancing drugs Wednesday when the NFL players and NFL owners couldn’t agree on an HGH test. The linemen are all over three hundred pounds and super-fast. The difference between an NFL quarterback and Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader is that Al-Qaeda’s number-two leader can get life insurance.
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