[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

NRA to Using ‘Puppy Eyes’ as Tactic to Integrate Selves with Public

,

‘Adorable,’ ‘cute,’ say former NRA detractors

The NRA, in its constant quest to project a good image, keep guns in as many hands as possible, control the minds of the public and keep a stranglehold on Congress, has developed a new methodology for dealing with the public. It is directing its cultists, er, followers to use ‘puppy eyes’ when speaking to the public.

nra puppy eyesA technique first used by the free life/free love ’60’s Christian cult, the Family of Love, the NRA has decided to adopt the stance instead of its usual, rock faced, square jawed Charlton Heston-type approach, which now seems to offend more than it draws in.

The Family of Love, famous for the drop out, live free, make love lifestyle embodied by its disciples, especially the attractive, mini-skirted female missionaries in the group, used the technique to approach strangers — with “love in their eyes” — a wide eyed innocent form of approach meant to disarm and attract new followers. This often translated to a puppy love or ‘puppy eyes’ sort of look, meant to be irresistible even to the hardest of hearts.

This method has met with varied reactions. A large number of former enemies of the NRA have melted through the ‘puppy eyes’ treatment. Even hard core types who have been shot themselves have said “You know, I used to hate these NRA types with their neo-fascist attitudes, their lying, underhanded proselytizing for any and all guns and their ruthless pursuit of armament profits at all costs, but when I see their spokespeople on the tube with that beguiling, big eyed, sad look in their eyes it just makes me take out my credit cards and give them lots of money and my vote. It used to be I would turn off the set the minute one of those snakes began to open their mouth, but now I actually record them just to watch their beatific, sweet, innocent faces over and over again.”

Other representatives have not fared so well however. Many NRA members have ripped up their membership cards, saying “Hell, I bought my guns to look like a real he-man! I don’t want to be represented by a bunch of sissy asses trying to look like the Virgin Mary on ecstasy! I get enough puppy eyes from my wife when she puts a new dent in my car!” and “I don’t want the guys fighting for my gun rights to look like gay fagots getting their sexual thrill from somebody off-screen. I would rather blow them away with my assault rifle than the myriads of criminals that I know are out there waiting for Obama to ban guns so they can raid my house and rape my wife!”

NRA President David Keene and his sidekick Wayne LaPierre also fared badly, having been laughed off the stage at several venues. On the other side, they did get invited to speak their piece at a lot of gay bars.

Roger Freed
Latest posts by Roger Freed (see all)
Share
Share