[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Senator Ted Cruz Collapses During Anti-Obamacare Faux-Filibuster, Needs Obamacare

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Ted Cruz’ excellent accidental adventure with Obamacare

While attempting a “filibuster” in Congress to stamp out the Affordable Care Act, snarkily known as the Obamacare bill by conservatives, Republican Senator Ted Cruz collapsed 15 hours into the epic attempt to derail the legislation.

sen ted cruzCruz, an ardent Tea Partyer, is rabid that the congressional bill that would create universal health care in the U.S. should be defeated. However, after 15 hours into his blockage of any action by Congress, he suddenly clutched his chest and passed to the floor.

An ambulance immediately appeared at the scene and whisked the half conscious Senator away. When the ambulance crew realized who he was, they, being regular working class blokes who were having as tough a time in the present economy as everyone else, spoke amongst themselves and decided to let the dear politician see for himself what conditions were like for those without the connections or money for hospitalization that Washington big shots have.

Ignoring his Senatorial insurance that he and his family would have for the rest of his life, they took him to Washington D.C.’s charity hospital, where the Senator would be covered under Obamacare, and had to lie on the gurney in the lobby with forty other people who had been there for hours already, waiting to see a doctor.

During this time, Mr. Ted Cruz babbled on, saying things like, “Going to the head of the line…I’m entitled…who are all these raggedy people?…I need to see someone this minute!” and other such dribblings, which were routinely ignored by the staff and imbued a keen sense of mirth in the other patients ahead of him.

Fortunately for himself and the other people waiting in line with broken bones, knocked out teeth, stab wounds, shrapnel fragments and other such lovely health intrusions, Mr. Cruz eventually fell into a coma, saving them from the added annoyance of his whining.

Senator Cruz awoke days later, finding himself lying on dirty sheets in a room with three other patients — a heroin addict going through withdrawal, a prostitute who had just acquired AIDS, and a four year old boy shot through the liver from a drive by shooting. All of these patients took an immense interest in all the get-well presents and food left by family members and friends of Cruz, who had come by and quickly left when they realized they were surrounded by people who were not a part of their comfort zone of the upper 2%.

Interestingly, after surviving his hospital ordeal, Senator Cruz had a St. Peter’s-like transformation, and became an ardent supporter of the Affordable Care Act.

Also very interesting is this tidbit: Although Mr. Cruz was born in Canada, is half Hispanic and his father had fought for Castro in Cuba, the Republicans have never asked to see his birth certificate.

Roger Freed
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