Colonoscopy Serenade

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What would you put on your colonoscopy mix tape?

Retired cantor Janice Woltag Cohen just turned 50. We Boomers all know what that means. It’s Colonoscopy Time!

Colonoscopy! That fabulous 50th birthday present you give to yourself. Yes, it’s yucky. But it’s absolutely necessary. (It could save your life.)

As kids growing up in the 50s, we joined the Micky Mouse Club. Now that we’ve hit the half century mark, it’s time for the Colonoscopy Club.

Looking at a day filled with poop-inducing “cocktails,” lots of clear fluids, maybe a little jello, and a million trips to the bathroom, Cohen decided to have a little fun. She needed some distraction. Not to mention something that would get her in the right mood for that very special procedure.

So she logged onto Facebook and posted a question: “What songs should I put on my colonoscopy mix tape?”

Cohen has 1,412 Facebook friends. Most of them are Boomers. And, apparently, all of them are smart-asses. They were on it in a flash:

The first suggestion?

“Ring of Fire by Johnny Cash. Duh.”

Following which, her pals quickly came up with:

The Long and Winding Road.
Baby Got Back.
Looking out my Back Door.
Back in the Saddle Again
Fixing a Hole. (The Beatles)
My Humps.

“Hilarious!!” Cohen responded. But her Facebook friends were just warming up. If Cohen needed some tunes to help her through this Boomer rite of passage, then that’s what she’d get. How about:

Like a Virgin
Little Brown Jug
Brown Sugar
Turn, Turn, Turn
Bad Moon Rising
Coal Miner’s Daughter.
Dirty Work (Steely Dan)

Then they really started to get into it:

“Tush by ZZ Top!”

“How about my fav Springsteen tune — Thunder Road?”

“James Taylor’s There’s Something In The Way She Moves.”

“John Cougar Mellencamp’s Hurts So Good.”

“Paul McCartney’s Let Em In.”

“The End by the Doors.”

“Anything by the Butt Hole Surfers!”

“Anything by Hole!”

Even a classical music fan got into the act, with: “Beethoven’s Last Movement!”

One friend posted: “Another man might suggest Don’t Touch Me There by the Tubes. But I have too much class to even suggest that.”

Several folks suggested the Fred Astaire/Ginger Rogers classic “Cheek to Cheek.” One even linked to the video.

Another linked to a music video called “Colonoscopy: It’s Not That Bad” from the Stop Colon Cancer website. (The song is a hoot. Listen and laugh.)

And the titles continued:

I Wanna Be Sedated.
That Ain’t No Way to Go
Black Muddy River.
Highway to Hell
Friends in Low Places
Foggy Bottom Breakdown

The final suggestion? “Classical Gas.” (Mason Williams.)

Janice ended up receiving 125 comments in just two hours. (One pal pointed out that playing through all the songs would last much longer than the procedure itself, which usually runs around 30 minutes.)

Janice, laughing, posted: “Thanks for making Baby’s First Colonoscopy fun!“

With any luck, she’ll drift off under anesthesia with “Moon River” echoing in her ears, and emerge, after a quick and painless procedure, with a clean bill of health.

Happy 50th birthday, Janice. And welcome to the Colonoscopy Club!

(This essay first appeared on www.womensvoicesforchange.org)

Roz Warren
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