Ripping Off the Headlines - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Reading the headlines and jumping to conclusions

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

In the Headlines, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford — In the headlines: Toronto Mayor Rob Ford.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here’s some headlines and my first thoughts:

‘Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said to be considering rehab’
The trouble is finding one with a happy hour.

‘Michelle Duggar “Trying” to Get Pregnant With 20th Child’
This woman doesn’t have a uterus, she has Gymboree.

‘Boyfriend jumps to his death after girlfriend insists on going into another clothes shop’
People are shocked… at what took him so long.

‘Adam Sandler is Hollywood’s most-overpaid actor, says Forbes’
Steve Forbes most over paid kid of dead billionaire, says Sandler.

‘Netanyu gives Pope book about Spanish Inquisition’
Or, as the Pope likes to think of it “Let’s party like it’s 1499.”

‘George W. Bush to Raise Money for Group That Converts Jews to Bring About Second Coming of Christ’
Or, as it’s also called a “Pay Per Jew Special.”

‘Geese Tsunami in Canada’
That’s a load of crap… literally.

‘Kim Kardashian ditches underwear in bathroom selfie with Kanye West’
Now that’s showing the holiday spirit by putting the “ho” in “ho, ho, ho.”

‘262 Pounds Of Pot Falls From The San Diego Sky’
Giving credence to the Big Bong Theory.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)