Madonna: 'Like a Virgin' or 'Is a Virgin'?

The Madonna appears to customers at Marie Calendars – but which one?

In what was described as the “Miracle at Marie Calendars,” after a waitress’s narcoleptic fit caused a major Boysenberry Pie stain to occur on one of the restaurant’s walls, customers began debating whether it looked like the Madonna, Jesus’ mother, or Madonna, the pop icon. Within hours competing interests had surrounded the establishment.

One local clergyman said, “I don’t know whether to pray to it or give it an exorcism.”

By day three, religious pilgrims and fans of the “Material Girl” had to be separated: One group chanting “Like a Virgin!” The other, “Is a Virgin!”

The incident was resolved when an unknown person commented, “I think it looks like Kevin Federline.” Numerous protestors remarked “who?” — but, upon being told, “The one who was married to Brittany Spears,” agreement was reached.

The Kevin Federline Fan Club tried to protest the wall’s cleaning, but those two people got tired and went home.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)