Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/10/2014 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, let’s not worry our pretty little heads over the news: remember, something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ripping the Headlines — Who let the dogs out? Me. Me.

Dennis Rodman sings Happy Birthday to Kim Jong Un

Jong Un sings “Who Let the Dogs Out?” What a kidder.

Macy’s announces job cuts

Then who’s the salesperson going to being talking to instead of helping me…

Winter tires could pose health problems

Especially if you wind up under them…

Mitt Romney is being sued in Federal Court for Criminal Racketeering

Can’t wait for the musical version — The Cooked Books of Mormon.

Wal-Mart recalls donkey meat

Saying customers deserve best quality horse.

Denver gives out recreational pot sales licenses

Bringing new meaning to Denver being “The Mile High City.”

Cracker Barrel puts ‘Duck Dynasty’ items back on shelves

Putting the Cracker in Cracker Barrel.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)