Direct Link Between Listening to Barry Manilow and Diabetes Shown

The sugary strains of Barry Manilow: Enjoy at your own risk

For the first time in many years, Barry Manilow is back with new music. The news has brought about cheers from his “Fanilows” and the Elevator Muzak Association of America (EMAA).

Barry Manilow and Diabetes — Listen at your own risk.

The EMAA issued this statement: “We welcome any new material from Mr. Manilow. His music playing in the background has kept people from lingering on elevators for decades now.”

They added: “Despite stories of an occasional brain hemorrhage when stuck on an elevator playing a Manilow tune, there is no actual evidence of this ever happening.”

On a more troubling note, however, recent findings do cause alarm for those over-exposed to the sugary sounds of Manilow.

The American Diabetes Society released a study showing a direct link between listening to Barry Manilow songs and diabetes. Scientists played the song “Mandy” over and over again to one of group of lab rats, fed another group only “Coco Puffs” cereal and used a control group to perform the study.

The rats that were forced to listen to Manilow 24/7 came down with the disease 20% more than the “Coco Puff” rats and 75% more than the control group.

Dr. Fritz Koslow who led the study said, “Apparently nothing is more sugary sweet than a Manilow tune. We will be asking that all Manilow tunes come with a warning, ‘I Write The Songs That Make The Whole World Need Insulin.’”

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)