Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/21/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Kanye West threatens to leave U.S over racism

And who said no good ever came from racism?

Duck Dynasty return sees big ratings drop

Who knew that many African American Gay duck hunters were originally watching?

People reports Pamela Anderson Remarries Ex-Husband

Hey, People, you’re gonna have to be a little more specific than that.

Alaskans likely to vote on Marijuana legalization this summer

Now we’re talking baked Alaskans.

7 Reasons people are afraid of Love

Well, if its Courtney Love, let’s start with the bitch is crazy.

Chef Nigella Lawson says she used cocaine “a handful of times”

Rob Ford: Big deal I used it handfuls at a time.

Researchers may have found King Alfred’s pelvis

Which I assume will improve his dance moves.

Obama sending two Lesbians to represent him at Russian Olympics

Proving “two with a bush, is worth one middle finger in the hand.”

Michelle Obama turns the big 5-0

Instead of a cake, the NSA interrupted one of her calls they were tapping and sang “Happy Birthday.”

Poll 51% of NJ adults don’t think Christie’s been “honest” about bridge scandal

Other 49% couldn’t respond due to being stuck in traffic.

Jacqueline Bisset blames hunger for rambling Golden Globe speech

Jackie, that’s why those martinis come with olives.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)