The President's Pen - Michael Larson, Humor Times

Is the president’s pen magic?

Not wanting to further delay his economic agenda by waiting for legislation, the President declared that he had a “pen” and a phone. He continued that he would use the President’s pen “to sign executive orders and take executive actions.”

While the President’s mission is to help kids and businesses, I’m a bit concerned at the easy willingness to do an end-run around the normal Constitutional process. But more than that, I’m intrigued by that pen he spoke of.

There’s something amazing about that pen, as if it holds a special power. To the uninitiated, the pen is just a pen; a cobalt blue gold pen. In the hand of a president, it is a tool of mercy, a weapon of fear, and instrument of change.

At least that’s what will be printed in the history books. A few of us know different. The President’s pen is actually magic.

Most Americans will never know of the amazing things that pen has signed off on. Why, the other day, that pen signed a golf score card at the Kaneohe Marine Corps course in Oahu, Hawaii. This beautiful, 18 hole experience is advertised as a par 72 course. Oddly enough, and perhaps it was an innocent oversight (I should explore this word more at some point), the President’s card amazingly had a ‘71’ penned in the net score box, an excellent score even for the pros.

Apparently, there is a receipt for Papa John’s pizza being sold on eBay, signed with the use of the President’s pen and bearing his signature.

There was one large pepperoni with extra cheese ordered and two large Garden Fresh pies. It seems that the President’s wife really likes her pizza. The cost came to around $50, with the customary 15% tip adding an additional seven dollars to the tab. On the receipt, one can easily make out the single number ‘4’ on the tip line.

That can’t be right. The ‘Leader of the Free World’ would not leave a miserly tip, with the delivery boy having to go through a 25-point FBI background check, x-ray scanners, and give a urine sample.

Since taking office, the President has signed over 900 Executive Orders with that pen, everything from ordering accused terrorists consigned to Guantanamo Bay to sing the entire chorus of ‘Modern Major General’ from the Pirates of Penzance before getting to meet with their legal counsel to ordering the first run of every new motion picture to automatically be shown at the White House theater (light butter popcorn required according to paragraph three, sub line 47). That pen is enchanted.

I’m not usually very observant, but I couldn’t help notice that the President’s pen wrote one Executive Order phrase again and again: ‘EXECUTIVE ORDER 10990 allows the government to take …’; ‘EXECUTIVE ORDER 10997 allows the government to take…’; ‘EXECUTIVE ORDER 10998 allows the government to take….’ That silly ol’ pen. Such a sense of humor.

Throughout most of recorded history, leaders have defended their kingdom or charged into battle with the sword. They were mad monarchs, supreme commanders, and pontifical presidents. Today, the ‘leader of the free world’ wields a magic pen. Admirable.

But there is one thing that makes that pen flinch, much like the cross makes vampires writhe in agony. That item is housed in the Charters Vault at 700 Pennsylvania Ave. in Washington, D.C. It’s just a flimsy piece of paper and it’s really old. But it’s done a much better job over the years of championing freedom and withstanding tyranny than the magical pen.

Jealousy?