Ripping the Headlines Today, 1/28/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Justin Bieber Ripping the Headlines — Justin Bieber, mugging it up.

Bieber could be deported to Canada

Canadians: Mr. Harper build up that wall.

Anna Trebunskaya of ‘DWTS’ has a baby girl, reveals father’s identity

He’s such an unknown he’s qualified to be on Dancing with the Stars.

N. Korea’s Kim talks of stability

And, with proper meds he may someday experience it.

Instant ramen noodles increase risk of illnesses such as cancer, diabetes and heart disease

Well, you certainly get your money’s worth.

Why Melissa Gilbert Wants to Punch Shannon Doherty in the Face

That’s incredible. Like someone needs a reason.

Dance Moms’ Star Charged With Assault

Appropriately now she has to face the music.

Sean Hannity threatens to leave New York over Gov. Cuomo’s comments on right-wing extremists

Cuomo: If I had only known sooner…

Hoboken Mayor says two letters back her up on Christie allegations

And, those letters are F and U.

Love won’t keep them together: Captain & Tennille Are Divorcing!

Toni Tennille to Captain in divorce papers: Do it to me no more times.

Mike Huckabee: Giving women birth control coverage assumes they can’t control their sex drives

One look at you, Mike, and I’m sure they can.

Animatronic ‘devil baby’ roaming NYC streets scaring the crap out of people

Wait, it’s just a bored ex Mayor Bloomberg out in his PJs.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)