Official Rules of the 2014 State of the Union Drinking Game
WHAT YOU NEED TO PLAY:
Four taxpayers: One old, rich white guy investment-banker type wearing a Brioni suit (Bank Boy). Two ordinary folks wearing jeans, one in a blue work shirt, the other in a white shirt, no tie, sleeves rolled up (the Jeans). And one person wearing clothes that look like their former life involved toxic dump storage cleanup (Rags).
One living room with flat-screen TV tuned to the State of the Union on C-SPAN.
One shot glass per person. Everybody brings own, placing all on a coffee table in front of TV. Bank Boy gets to choose first which to use during game. White shirt picks next, then blue shirt. Bank Boy takes last shot glass as well, and Rags needs to make a deal to rent it from him, find a replacement or drink out of own cupped hands.
Two packages of Vienna All Beef Chicago Style Hot Dogs in middle of table with butter-grilled buns and pickles and tomatoes and onions and condiments, including that weird neon-green relish in little ramekins on the side.
One bottle of Jack Daniels.
A large stash of beer on ice. Rags gets whatever is on sale, such as some generic Lite Beer from Trader Joe’s. Bank Boy gets whatever microbrew he wants. The Jeans get domestic, but are responsible for paying for all the beer, Jack and hot dogs.
The Jeans each ante up 20 bucks cash. Rags and Bank Boy are allowed to use IOUs. Which do not need to be redeemed.
RULES OF THE GAME:
Every time Barack H. Obama says “Bipartisanship” during the State of the Union speech, the first person to stop laughing is exempt from drinking three shot glasses of beer.
When the president mentions unemployment, the last person to eat a fully accoutered hot dog has to drink a shot of Jack.
If the president says, “If al-Qaida is calling you, we want to know why,” first person to finish a whole beer gets to spit pieces of hot dog at the others until they finish their beers.
When Barack circuitously intimates something that might concern the NSA, the last person to stand and salute has to drink two shot glasses of beer.
If and when Obama defends Obamacare, everybody must drink a shot of Jack, a whole beer, and throw pieces of broken hot dog at the television. If anybody hits POTUS in the head, the other three have to drink another shot of Jack.
If Obama speaks of the integrity of the political process, the last person to cough “Hack!” must drink three shots of beer.
If the president relates a touching heartfelt story of some poor unfortunate denied health care, Rags gets to kick everybody else once. Twice, if the subject of the anecdote is in the audience. Three times, if he/she is sitting next to an astronaut.
The first time Barack H. Obama mentions immigration during the State of the Union, the last person to pretend to faint has to drink three shots of beer.
Whenever Obama makes a reference to his faith getting him through tough times, last person to fall to their knees and shout “Hallelujah!” has to drink one shot of Jack.
Every time the Chief Executive winks at or points to Michelle, players swordfight with hot dogs. The last person with an intact weenie does not have to eat an entire shot glass full of that weird neon green relish.
EXTRAS:
Before the State of the Union speech, everyone writes down who they think will give the Republican Response. Anybody who correctly identifies the person doesn’t have to watch it.
Players may sell each other hints.
Bank Boy takes home the $40 and the Jack.
Leftover beer and hot dogs go home with Rags after he/she finishes washing the dishes.
Will Durst is a nationally acclaimed, award-winning political comic. Go to willdurst.com to find about more about his new CD, “Elect to Laugh,” and calendar of personal appearances including “Boomeraging: From LSD to OMG.”
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