Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/4/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Putin promises safe Winter Games

Adds that anyone who tries to get in the way will be shot.

Kate Middleton should wear longer skirts according to the Queen

Hey, Elton John, who asked ya?

Taylor Swift thought she won Album of the Year Grammy

And, she even had the pepper spray out in case Kanye got in the way.

Nearly 60 Percent of college students are ‘food insecure’

While 100% of New Jersey Governors are not.

Fox News host: Women don’t want equal pay, they already get ‘exactly what they’re worth’

Double if they work at FOX News…

McDonald’s worker sold heroin in Happy Meals, Police say

Ironically, it was the meals’ closest thing to a natural ingredient.

Suspicious powders mailed to hotels near Super Bowl are actually just pudding mix

Not funny, Bill Cosby

Christie knew about lane closings, Ex-Port Authority Official says

Who would have ever thought a former Christie aide rolling over on him would do more damage than the other way around?

New Yorkers drop pants for annual `No Pants Subway Ride’

Or, as it’s also known “Anthony Weiner Day.”

Europe faces bigger threat than German caution

Yeah, that would be German aggression.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)