Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/18/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jenner Goes Braless

Thankfully that was Kendall not Bruce.

A staggering number of Americans aren’t aware Earth revolves around the Sun

Or, as Republicans call them ‘our base.’

Miley Cyrus kicks off Bangerz Tour in Canada

Hey, Canada, take that for sending us the Biebs.

NFL prospect Michael Sam says he’s gay

He did say he looks forward to playing in the NFL even if wearing shoulder pads looks so eighties.

It’s the Chinese “Year of the Horse”

While in Washington DC it remains the year of the Horse’s Ass.

Facebook turned 10

Meaning it is now too old for Woody Allen.

Hospital exposes 20 to fatal brain disease

See, that’s what happens when all the TV’s are set to FOX News.

50 years ago the Beatles appeared on the Ed Sullivan Show

Or, as Pete Best said back in Liverpool, “Where’d everybody go?”

Fox News objects to Obama calling climate change a fact

To be fair, FOX News objects to Obama being President called a fact.

Sinkhole opens up at National Corvette Museum, swallows cars

Bringing new meaning to the term, “Gas Guzzle.”

479,549 customers without power in Southeast; 3,339 flights canceled; cars clog icy roads

Chris Christie swears he has an alibi.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)