Ripping the Headlines Today, 2/24/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Charlie Sheen engaged to porn star

I can’t be the only one thinking she can do a lot better.

California cracks down on computer boot camps

Only to have to deal with them coming back as computer re-boot camps.

You’ll never run out of money in retirement if you do this

Jeopardy Question is: What is die young, Alex?

Trace Adkins in cruise ship brawl with impersonator

And, my therapist thinks I spend too much time beating myself up. Ha!

Venezuela expands Internet censorship as protests sweep nation

Why? If you’re watching funny vids of cats, you don’t have time to riot.

The Moon is 100 million years younger than thought

So, I guess it doesn’t look so good for its age after all.

Small trout devours nearly 20 shrews

No word if shrews’ husbands said thank you or not.

Bethany Frankel’s talk show canceled

I’m shocked… Bethany Frankel had a talk show?

Only 1.1% of Fox viewers are African American

Herman Cain has a larger family than I thought.

Israeli demand sparks ‘Jewish state’ debate

In fairness, it is hard to choice between NY, NJ and Florida.

A stunning view of Earth from 99 million miles away

So, that’s what earth looks like from top of debt ceiling?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)