Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/4/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Paula Deen: “I’m like that ‘black football player’”

Hey, before anyone complains, thank God she used the word “black.”

They’re building a Noah’s Ark replica in Kentucky

Hey, if I want to go on a boat that smells like 1000’s of animals have been stuck on it, I’ll take a Carnival Cruise.

Lawmakers allow Putin to use military in Ukraine

Putin allows lawmakers to stay lawmakers.

Alec Baldwin said he’s leaving public life

Proving the man can’t even shut the hell up about shutting the hell up.

Substitute teacher, 72, arrested for furiously masturbating in HS hallway

If I’m 72 and still had to work as High School sub I’d do stuff furiously, too.

Kentucky seeks delay in recognizing same-sex marriage

You’d think they’d be okay with it, given the state’s mailing abbreviation is KY.

Biden to Democrats: don’t apologize in 2014

Given they’re Dems, they apologized for the apologizing.

Arizona Gov Jan Brewer vetoes the state’s Anti Gay legislation

Well, there goes Putin’s plans to retire to Arizona.

America’s ten most miserable States

Ironically, all have a problem with Gay people…

Comedian George Lopez arrested for public intoxication

Lopez has ex’s kidney, proving guys always treat their exes stuff like crap.

Ugandan Government asking citizens if they know any gay Ugandans

In the US, a similar question is posed at the Oscars as “who are you wearing?”

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)