Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/11/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Good Morning America: John Travolta says about his Oscar flub we should “Let it Go”

I believe Travolta’s exact quote was: ‘Tel ti Gov.’

Justin Timberlake gets flipped off by a fan in concert

What’s really amazing is Joey Fatone could afford a ticket.

Russian gas monopoly said Ukraine had not paid its $440 million Feb. gas bill

Ukraine said they’d call when their phone was reconnected

A 69-year-old man still in mental hospital he entered after stealing a $20 necklace in 1971

Yeah, but in 2014 dollars it’s worth 28.43.

New Mexico woman beat mother in head with vibrator during argument, police say

She was arrested for assault with battery-operated weapon.

Washington state issues first legal marijuana business license

Person has already forgot where he left it.

Non-dairy creamer is flammable

They make it in a Cremora-torium.

American Airlines ends bereavement fares

But will let you carry one corpse free in overhead compartment.

1000+ Radio Shack stores to close

They’d close more, but they’re so barely used they forgot where they put them…

Olive Garden’s new logo leaves investors with a bad taste in their mouth

So, it represents the restaurant perfectly.

Richie Incognito has reportedly entered a treatment facility

Proving this guy can go nowhere Incognito.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)