Ripping the Headlines Today, 3/17/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule when ripping the headlines: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Dr. Gupta: ‘I am doubling down’ on medical marijuana

And, I’m betting, Doritos stock…

Pinkberry co-founder gets 7 years for beating homeless man

I can’t be only one thinking prison is not going to be a kind place to someone who founded a place called Pinkberry.

Gov Christie to ban sale of Tesla Cars in NJ

Word is he likes to be able to hear the engines of cars he backs up on GW Bridge.

Men’s Wearhouse acquires Jos. A Banks

Apparently, they bought 1/2 the stores and received the other 1/2 free.

Congress: CIA might have been listening in on our conversations

That’s one of the few times anyone’s actually listened to them.

95.5% in Crimea “vote” to separate from Ukraine

No word if Karl Rove has contested the results… yet.

Pope urges sympathy for failed love in divorce debate

Somebody’s spending too much time “Keeping up with Kardashians.”

Binge drinking vs. critical thinking

I say, let’s have a kegger and discuss it!

California couple finds $10 million in buried treasure while walking dog

Just 50 more dollars and they’ll be able to fill their SUV with gas.

Mom blames husband for her driving kids into Ocean

Apparently, she wanted to ask for directions but he wouldn’t let her.

Can long-term unemployed find work in improving US economy?

I didn’t know Mitt Romney was looking.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)