Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/1/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

No, we’re not fooling, these were real headlines. But you’d be a fool not to read this!

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

N. Korean leader Kim wants all Korean men to get same haircut

Look for him on TV touting his new business, “The Hair Club for Madmen.”

Atlanta is the sex trade Capital of the U.S.

It seems the only one’s unable to score in Atlanta are the Braves.

Piers Morgan officially leaves CNN

However, he’d still be on if he’d booked a seat on the Malaysian Airliner.

Texas city pays Ted Nugent $16k to NOT perform

Too bad they couldn’t afford the amount to get him to retire.

Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow separate

He gets the houses, she gets the cars and the kids get to keep their stupid names.

U.S. Secret Service agent found passed out from night of drinking in Amsterdam

Idiot. Everyone knows in Amsterdam the things to do are dope and hookers.

Russia thrown out of the G8, next meeting in Sochi cancelled

The city of Sochi’s new motto is ‘Damn we coulda had a G8.’

Drop, cover and hold until the shaking stops – Channel 4 L.A News

Not sure whether they were talking earthquake advice or what to do if hit on by Khloe Kardashian?

No animals harmed in the making of the movie “Noah”

Although, their feelings were hurt after hearing the reviews.

Couple kicked out of McDonald’s for sitting ‘too long’ offered free meals for life

No one’s sure whether this is a gift or retaliation.

Joe Biden: ‘Undocumented immigrants are ‘already Americans’’

Nice try, Joe, but Trump still wants to see the President’s birth certificate.

Donald Rumsfeld: ‘A trained ape has better foreign policy skills than Pres. Obama’

Sorry, no you don’t, Donald.

Fired Chris Christie aide slams new report: ‘Venomous, gratuitous and inappropriate’

Now there’s a ‘Christie for Prez’ bumper sticker.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)