Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/7/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Steven Seagal Loves Putin and might become a Russian citizen because of Ukraine

Vlad, if you take him we’ll throw in Moldavia.

‘The Breakfast Club’ turns 30

The original cast is now almost old enough to make a sequel called ‘The Early Bird Dinner.’

Pope meets British Queen

No word if he was disappointed it was Elizabeth, not Elton John.

Kremlin confirms Putin’s divorce final

Sarah Palin: ‘I’m just happy I don’t have to listen to the fighting anymore from my front porch.’

Kim Kardashian wades into Syria debate

Says people shouldn’t have to choose between Sirius and XM.

Why Anderson Cooper won’t receive an inheritance from mom Gloria Vanderbilt

Well, he did inherit her Gloria Vanderbilt genes.

Paula Deen abruptly shuts down restaurant, forgets to tell employees

In her defense, she probably was as fried as her food.

Australia’s top court recognizes ‘neutral’ third gender

No wonder they call it the world “down under.”

Pussy Riot meets Hillary Clinton

Here’s betting she told Bill to stay home for this one.

Pat Robertson: ‘Jews too busy ‘polishing diamonds’ to tinker with cars, mow lawns’

Causing creeped out Jews everywhere to lower their window shades.

A California State Senator accused of gun running

No word when he will begin his run for Governor of Texas.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)