Ripping the Headlines Today, 4/14/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule when ripping headlines: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Woman throws shoe at Hillary Clinton in Vegas

Shoe industry says only way to stop a bad woman with a shoe is with a good woman with a shoe.

Stephen Colbert to take Letterman’s place

From now on he has asked to be known as Jimmy Colbert.

Mickey Rooney’s body remains unclaimed due to messy family feud

Somebody better claim it before it gets remarried.

Mississippi sex education program compares teen girls to ‘dirty’ Peppermint Patties

Why bring up that lesbian character from ‘Peanuts?’

NASA says weird lights photographed on Mars are not a sign of life

Which means they haven’t ruled out a Zeppelin tribute band concert.

On average, 100 people choke to death on ballpoint pens every year

Until now I had no inkling…

Former Rep. Allen West’s book filled with fake Founding Father quotes

In fairness, he did get them all off mugs, t-shirts and the Internet.

Army’s new hair guidelines spark backlash

See what happens when you let gays in the military?

Schools fight provocative prom dresses

Which is terrible for H.S girls. How are they supposed to compete with hot teachers who put out?

Christian radio host: ‘Nazi race of super gay male soldiers is coming to hunt you down’

… And give you fashion tips.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)