Michael Phelps Announces Comeback and “Bong-ercise” Exercise Book, DVD

Michael Phelps hopes “Bong-ercise” makes a big splash

22-time Olympic medal winner Michael Phelps made a big splash today announcing his comeback to competitive swimming.

One of the reasons, Phelps claimed, was a desire to share his secrets to athletic success with a new exercise book and DVD — “Bong-ercise.”

“When I have a need for speed I turn to weed,” said Phelps, then giggled as he explained, “In fact I’m high right now and rhymes make giggle.”

The workouts will include a chapter entitled, “If You Take a Hit, You Won’t Quit.” Phelps said it’s one of his favorite training regimes.

Phelps: “You have a friend or coach place donuts or potato chips at each end of the pool. You then take a giant bong hit. Trust me, the munchies will do the rest.”

Added Phelps: “And, guys, let me tell you, I can’t guarantee ‘Bong-ercise’ will make you more virile, but I can’t tell you how times I’ve been asked ‘is that a bong in your Speedos or are you just glad to see me?’”

Phelps said he believed using marijuana was one of the reasons for his athletic longevity, pointing out, “The only joint pain I have is when I don’t have a joint.”

Mr. Phelps chose not to take any questions, instead choosing to ask reporters, “So, dudes, what do you think about me swimming in dreadlocks?”

Also see this oldie-but-goodie fake news piece from March, 2009: Phelps Holds Little Known Bonging Gold.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)