Russia: Obama Nixing 'Red Line' in Favor of 'Squiggly Doodle'

“Red lines are so harsh and final,” says prez

As Ukraine sits on the brink of a full-scale international conflict and Putin debates over whether or not to make Kiev Russia’s new capital, President Obama has decided to defuse tensions by changing those old and prickly ultimatums with softer, less judgmental suggestions.

In a symbolic gesture hearkening back to the famous “red line” drawn before the darkest hours of the Syrian conflict, the President sent the Russian powers a picture of a multicolored, squiggly thing, representing his new, fun approach to these tense situations.

“I see now where I went wrong with the Syrian debacle,” Obama offered at a press conference. “Red lines are so harsh and final — there’s no room to maneuver and no going back (usually). This meandering doodle, however, even though it technically still has lines, gives all parties a lot more leeway, and certainly mitigates any potential political backlash on our end.”

“It’s also a subtle psychological message that says, ‘Hey, Russia, if you want to color outside the lines, go ahead. We aren’t going to squelch your geopolitical creativity.”

This progressive diplomatic policy is inspiring map makers and educational publishers to reinvent the way we view world geography — rejecting tired, old traditional boundaries for fresher, more artistic expressions (think Jackson Pollock).

Though there has been no response from Putin as of yet, the Obama administration is confident that this new tactic, though it probably won’t affect any change in the region, will at least add a little fun.

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Jeff Boldt

Jeff Boldt is an English teacher living in China and the writer and editor of Iron E-News, a website dedicated to that ever-abiding alternate bizarro world -- at times all too closely mirroring our own.