Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/6/14 - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Ben Affleck banned from playing blackjack at Hard Rock Casino after getting caught counting cards

Unlike James Franco, who won’t hit on anything over 21.

Seattle announces $15 minimum wage, highest in the U.S.

In Seattle terms, that’s one Starbucks’ Venti Skinny Vanilla Latte.

Can cute kids beat Mitch McConnell?

Sure, if he stands still…

Paul Simon, wife Edie Brickel cited for domestic disturbance

Art Garfunkel: ‘See what I had to put up with?’

Donald Trump attacks ‘girlfriend from hell’ for ‘setting up’ NBA owner Don Sterling

Embarrassing white people and Donalds everywhere.

Who’s losing in the McDonald’s-Taco Bell breakfast battle?

America’s plumbing system.

KKK leader caught with a black male prostitute

Afterwards, he burned a cross on his own lawn.

FOX cancels ‘Almost Human’

Unfortunately, it was the TV show, not Sean Hannity.

Drone images reveal buried ancient village in New Mexico

Wouldn’t it have been nicer to say ‘take a look at some vacation pics from Ben Stein?’

Maine gets serious about its lobsters, because the Atlantic is warming

Bad news: Fewer lobsters. Good news: They’ll be ready to eat.

Sotomayor: ‘You can’t wish away racial inequality’

I agree. Which is why I stick with wishing I win the lottery.

Stephen Hawking says A.I. could be our ‘worst mistake in history’

Steven Spielberg: ‘Then I guess you didn’t see ‘Minority Report.’

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)