Ripping the Headlines Today, 5/19/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Justin Bieber under investigation for theft

Apparently, Miley Cyrus wants her haircut back.

94% of people feel that marijuana should be legal for recreational use

The other 6% didn’t remember the question.

Man tries to crawl under America Ferrera’s dress at Cannes

Damn, that Wolfe Blitzer will go anywhere to find the missing Malaysian Airliner.

LeBron James might lead boycott of NBA next season if Donald Sterling still owns Clippers

The Lakers are so in, they stopped playing last February.

Clay Aiken declared winner of Democratic nomination for Congress in North Carolina

So, stop calling in. The phone lines have closed.

Town’s police official calls Obama N-word

Hey, Dummy, he’s Kenyan not Nigerian…

Oscar Pistorius’ Psychiatrist says Pistorius’ leg amputations gave him a mental disorder

Yeah, but it didn’t seem to affect his aim.

Jay Z physically attacked by Solange Knowles after Met Gala

Looks like Jay Z meet up with Cra Z.

No Lando? Billy Dee Williams missing from ‘Star Wars Episode VII’ cast photo

Who did the photo shoot? Donald Sterling?

Warning signs of Low Testosterone

Sorry, can’t help you here, I didn’t have the energy to read the article.

6 signs your marriage will last a lifetime

Number one reason: You’re not given long to live.

Researchers discover fossils of largest Dino believed to ever walk the earth

According to Tea Party, largest RINO remains Chris Christie.

Michael Jackson hologram performed at the Billboard Awards

Making parents of underage boy holograms everywhere really nervous.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)