Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/3/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Bill Murray crashes bachelor party, offers sage advice

He came back next day and offered same advice, then the next day, and the next…

Happy National Hamburger Day

Remember, when celebrating be safe and use a condiment.

Costa Concordia cruise ship to be refloated in July

No word, if coupons to the buffet are still good.

‘Duck Dynasty’ star Phil Robertson says GOP needs religion

And, ‘these marked down Duck Dynasty t-shirts and coffee mugs…’

Ford announced a large recall

Unfortunately, none were named Rob.

Jay Carney unexpectedly resigned as White House Press Secretary

Doctors say it could take months for the spinning to stop.

Circumcision rates declining in US hospitals

However, keep in mind the evidence for this is circumcisional.

VA Secretary Eric Shinseki resigns

Although, by the time the VA is done with the paperwork he might not actually step down until 2020…

Data Pirates of the Caribbean: ‘NSA recording every cell phone call in the Bahamas’

Not for the info, they think the accents sound cool.

Joe the Plumber to UCSB Parents: ‘Your dead kids don’t trump my guns’

Embarrassing Joes and plumbers everywhere

Pope, Netanyahu spar over Jesus’ native language

Really? Nowadays, everyone with that name’s native language is Spanish.

L.A. Kings beat Chicago Black Hawks, move on to Stanley Cup Finals

Donald Sterling is happy. Not because L.A. won, but because a team with word ‘black’ in it lost.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)