Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/10/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

31 year old man has 91 year old ultimate cougar girlfriend

I’m thinking less cougar and more saber tooth tigress. Grrrrrrrrr.

Justin Bieber caught using N-word while telling racist joke on video

Still has to be better than any video with him singing.

Levi Johnston expecting another kid

Okay, this guy should clearly not let his Johnston out of his Levi’s.

Woman sues hospital for posting STD results on Facebook

She also changed her relationship status to ‘It’s communicable.’

Miley Cyrus — gets protection from crazed fan who allegedly threatened to hunt her down

Take that, Bill Ray Cyrus…

Kourtney Kardashian is pregnant, expecting third baby with Scott Disick

Kardashians don’t have babies they have spin-offs.

Busted: Utah man sets up church where everyone is a minister, no one pays income tax

Look for the musical version called ‘The Cooked Books of Mormon’

Cynics are at a higher risk of developing Dementia

Like anyone would believe that… what was the topic again?

Brazil’s ‘Love Motels’ offer alternative for World Cup tourists

Although, every time people have sex they hear “Gooooooal’

Oklahoma Governor signs bill to require divorce school for couples with children

I’m guessing the school’s prom will be awkward.

Texas gun groups clash with NRA on armed protests in public spaces

This could lead to ‘The Gunfight at the Not OK in the Head Corral.’

Poroshenko sworn in as Ukraine’s president

Wow, not only is he Ukraine’s new Prez, but he was the winning word in this year’s Spelling Bee.

Jennifer Lopez, Casper Smart split after two and a half years together

Big week for Casper. This and graduating from High School.

Congress takes on marijuana for next year’s budget

Really, it seems more like they’re smoking meth…

California Chrome owner apologizes for Belmont Stakes outburst

Because, ironically, after the race he was the one acting like a 3 year old.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)