Hillary Clinton: 'Broke After White House'; Defended from Hell

Hillary Clinton’s claim that she and Bill left the White House “dead broke” has evoked a storm of sympathy.

Hillary Clinton’s claim in an interview with Diane Sawyer that she and Bill left the White House “dead broke” has evoked a storm of sympathy and support, even from beyond the grave.

Tammy Faye Bakker gives shout out to Hillary Clinton — Tammy Faye Bakker gives a shout out to Hillary Clinton.

According to a ghoulish Tammy Faye Bakker, interviewed via GoogleSeance TM satellite, there is widespread sympathy for Hillary throughout Dante’s Third Region, where she and history’s most egregious fakes, tricksters and con men are eternally confined.

[Editor’s Note: Heavyweight political criminals like Hitler, Stalin and Henry Kissinger are doomed to the netherest corners of the bottomless Ninth Region. Our reporter declined an invitation to visit.]

“We all recognize Hillary Clinton as one of us,” said the diminutive former TV evangelist, speaking through the back of her neck. “It’s not hard to tell a phoney when you’ve been one yourself. The secret is believing your own malarkey when you say it.”

“You mean it wasn’t a joke?”

“Good Lord, no,” said Tammy Faye, glancing guiltily over her shoulder at her invocation of the Deity. No one was listening so she flashed her famous ruby-lipped fake smile and quickly added: “Jesus wants you to be happy. Jesus wants you to be rich. Can you make a donation today? Oh, the poor starving children.”

Dark lines of mascara were dripping down her cheeks. “See?” she added, dabbing.

I put my wallet away, stunned that any member of the 1% could feel short of a little green. But as Tammy Fae explained: “There is always someone richer than you until you get to Bill Gates. And even he has to worry about Carlos Slim.”

Bakker added that despite Bill’s presidential salary of $200k/year and the finest room, board and air travel for almost a decade, not to mention perks like free in-house blow jobs, Hillary genuinely felt broke because she actually had to check to see how much money was available for their new multimillion dollar home, Bill’s Harlem office, Chelsea’s private school, bribes, legal fees and so on. These little things can add up.

“Even in hell,” Tammy Faye said tearfully, “we shuddered at their humiliation. As I always say, when you don’t have money, that’s all you think about, but when you do, you don’t.”

I was trying to figure this out when we were joined by Jim Bakker, Tammy Faye’s former husband, with his amour Jessica Hahn permanently attached to his hip. “Our Monica Lewinsky,” he said with a shit-eating grin. “That is the meaning of hell.”

Poor Hillary indeed, I thought.

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Michael Egan

Michael was born in South Africa at the height of the apartheid era He quickly became involved in the underground resistance movement, knew Nelson Mandela and other prominent revolutionaries, some of whom later moved into privileged positions formerly occupied by whites. After several exciting escapes, he was forced to flee the country in disguise. He successfully made his way to the UK and gained his PhD at Cambridge on a university scholarship, He then pursued the dualcareer of college professor and social revolutionary, provoking academic and political mayhemwherever he went. Having thus failed miserably at both politics and education, he now cynically rails like Diogenes at the foibles of mankind in bitter satires and faintly subtly edgy political cartoons. History will, however absolve him. In 2006 he discovered a new Shakespeare play, but it's going to take a new generation to acknowledge it. Check out his website, Editorial and Political Cartoons.