Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/17/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

GM recalls almost 465,000 cars

Even Chevy Chase is nervous.

Three arrested in ‘Toddler Fight Club’ ring

The first rule of Toddler Fight Club is you don’t baby talk about Toddler Fight Club.

Home-schooling parents rally against Common Core

Or, as they call it “Comon Cur.’

Ukraine rejects Putin’s offer of gas discounts

No word if they’ll take him up on free car wash with fill up.

Women are 40% more likely than men to develop a mental illness

While men are 40% more likely to cause one.

Jon Stewart demands to know why the VA is still using 1985 technology

They haven’t gotten back because their AOL free email trial ran out years ago.

Eric Cantor’s pollster blames Democrats for stunning loss

Democrats: ‘You’re welcome.’

Rick Perry compares homosexuality to alcoholism

In his defense, both make you way more fun at parties…

World’s oldest man dies at 111

No word if world’s second oldest man has an alibi.

George Will claims being a college rape victim is now a ‘coveted status’

Proving where there’s a Will there’s a whacko.

George H W Bush jumped out of an airplane

I’m guessing it was right after Jeb told him he might run for Prez.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)