Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/24/14

Ripping the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Donald Trump: ‘Kim K. and J.Lo’s butts are ‘absolutely’ too big’

Interesting, that coming from a man who is a giant ass.

Glenn Beck admits liberals were right about opposing Iraq invasion

Liberals, don’t change your position, it’s a trick.

How to make leafy greens tastier

Deep fry them. You’re welcome.

At least five Americans accidentally shot off their penises since 2010

That’ll teach them to not wear protection.

Kate & Jon Gosselin 5 years later: A look back at their fighting words

Five years? Wow, seems like just yesterday I didn’t give a crap.

Obama makes surprise Starbucks visit

Even more surprising was running into Eric Cantor who was applying for a job.

Scientists have no clue how dinosaurs mated

And, yet, Republicans have children.

Over 90% of US Dollars have cocaine residue

That means that George Washington wasn’t only the father of this country but of Colombia, too.

CDC workers are taking anti Anthrax drug

Although, they will still be vulnerable to Motley Crüe.

Donald Sterling on a romantic weekend getaway with newest non-white gal pal

Damn, he’s so senile he forgot he hates black people.

Meet Ahmed Abu Khattala, alleged ringleader of the Benghazi attack

Or, as FOX News translated the name to English ‘Hillary Rodham Clinton’

Woman stuffed Publix lobster tails down her pants, police say

She would have gotten away with it, too, if she hadn’t also poured down the hot butter sauce.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)