Ripping the Headlines Today, 6/30/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Study: People hate happy couples on Facebook

Not as much as I hate them out in public.

Amy Adams gives up first class seat to U.S soldier

Lucky G.I, Adams certainly has a first class seat — and the rest of her is pretty hot, too.

Oklahoma residents seek answers on quakes

Or, as they actually put it, “What the frack is going on here?”

Brand new sleep-aid takes Walgreens by storm

Apparently, they’ve been showing soccer on the TV monitors.

Michigan man trying to raise money to have surgery on his 100-pound scrotum

Ok, that’s just nuts.

JLo’s Ex caught cheating on her with transvestites

Proving you can be both on the Jlo and the down low.

Woman crushed to death by clutter

Wow, some people are literally dying to get on the show ‘Hoarders.’

Whooping Cough reaches epidemic level in California

Yeah, and every one of them has sat behind me at the movies.

Republicans nominated their first transgender candidate

Not to be confused with Chris Christie their first 100% transfatty candidate.

Fired HGTV hosts: ‘Satan using his gay ‘demonic agenda’ to silence us’

And, sell tickets to Cher concerts.

Benghazi suspect says attacks were instigated by Anti-Islam Internet video

Imagine the damage if they’d seen ‘You Don’t Mess with the Zohan?’

Willie Nelson has important political message for stoners

Well, he did, and then he forgot what it was…

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)