Ripping the Headlines Today - Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The headline news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Germany beats Argentina to win fourth World Cup title

I don’t care how many Germany wins, it doesn’t make up for buying all those David Hasselhoff CDs.

Driver finds Python under pickup’s hood

Proving John Cleese will go anywhere to get a laugh.

Rapper Ice T: ‘Manhood is dead; you’re dealing with the pussyfication of the male sex’

Me: ‘Not sure if I agree. I need to ask my wife.’

11 things you should know about your musician friends

Number one: If they say they’re only crashing on the couch for one night, they’re lying.

Police: Google exec murdered by heroin-dosing prostitute aboard yacht

If it had happened on Google+, he would never have been found.

Man who took poverty vow wins $259.8M Powerball jackpot

Or, as I like to now call him… ‘Dad.’

4-Year-Old ruins baby sitter’s plan to blame robbery on black man

Why her parents trusted her with Darryl Issa is another story.

Kat Williams pulls gun on racist heckler at Comedy Store

No word on why Donald Sterling was at the Comedy Store.

Obama seeks power to return immigrant children

Looks like Ted Cruz is going back to Canada.

Queen orders Prince Charles to divorce Camilla Parker-Bowles

Don’t you have better things to do than butt in? Yes, you, Elton John.

Kim Jong Un swears ‘merciless’ retaliation if new Seth Rogen film released

Yeah, like, watching the film won’t be punishment enough

6 surprising sleep-inducing foods to have before bed

The real trick is to have them while watching soccer.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)