Ripping the Headlines Today, 7/21. Paul Lander, Humor Times

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Marvel Comics announces the new Thor will be a woman

It’s actually a cost cutting measure with new Thor getting 23% less the old Thor.

Should Denver police be allowed to smoke weed?

Sure, they are, after all, also known as the Mile High PD.

Candace Cameron Bure on making her marriage work: ‘We stay connected sexually’

No wonder they got banned from Whole Foods.

70% of Republican voters are open to Romney running for President in 2016

100% of Hillary voters agree.

U.S. appeals court: Oklahoma same-sex marriage ban unconstitutional

Which seems totally appropriate for a state with a Broadway Musical named after it.

There are 5 companies with worse customer service than Comcast

Someone tried to reach Comcast for a response and are still on hold.

Lakers sign Boozer

Glad to hear it’s Carlos, not Shia Labeouf.

Celebs over 40 who can still rock a bikini

Don’t get any ideas, Bruce Jenner.

Kristoff snatches Tour de France stage victory

True, but remember it ain’t over until the skinny guy pees in a cup.

Scientists have developed a black so deep it makes 3D objects look flat

And, makes Republicans want to deny it voting rights.

California man charged with stealing bees-wax

Clearly, the victim forgot to mind his own.

10 long-term celeb couples that never married

Number 1: Adam and Eve.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)