[Disclaimer: This is a satirical news piece, just for fun, read at your own risk!]

Problems in the Bedroom? Try Microsoft Sexcel

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Man tries unique approach to solving problems in the bedroom

According to Rob Brady, or Flop Brady, as his wife cruelly labelled him, the best way to solve problems in the bedroom and improve intimacy involves creating a spreadsheet and listing all the times you were rejected and, when finished, forwarding it on to your wife.

problems in the bedroomIn an interview with Dr.Oz, Rob spoke about how he set up a four-columned spreadsheet of all the times he initiated sex with his wife over the course of two months. In the first column ‘Flop’ recorded the date (April 30 to June 30); in column B he listed the reply (yes or no); in column C he wrote down the excuse (sexcuse) used by his wife; while D listed his unhappiness levels on a scale of 1-10.

Receiving the spreadsheet on her way to work, Helen, Rob’s wife, decided to forward it on to Dr. Oz’s TV execs, a decision the saw the Sexcel sheet promptly published.

After defending his actions during the interview, Rob looked to his wife for support, however, she roared, “I open it up on the way to a meeting, this sarcastic diatribe listing columns of excuses and unhappiness levels. We’ve been married for twenty three years, I haven’t climaxed once, and he wonders why I have no interest. The last time I got truly aroused was watching Dominic West on The Wire, then the show came to an end, and I have felt numb ever since.”

Responses to Helen’s decision to involve such a powerful celebrity were mixed. Oprah, a long-term friend of the smug-faced Oz, said, “If someone had constructed a spreadsheet of reasons why I wouldn’t have sex with them, I would introduce their meat and two veggies to my cheese grater.”

When asked if that was sexual innuendo, Oprah replied, “No, an actual cheese grater.”

John Glynn
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