John Boehner to Sue Every Living American

House Majority Leader John Boehner says Americans have been freeloading, and it’s time to pay up.

The House voted Wednesday to authorize John Boehner to sue President Obama on a complaint that he had overstepped his legal authority. However, Boehner also vowed to sue every living American.

“A great man once said, ‘Freedom isn’t free,'” Boehner said. “It’s time for Americans to pay up!”

Of course, Americans fought for and won freedom in 1776. However, Boehner feels that modern Americans are lazy, and haven’t earned the right to be free.

“Sure, many Americans have died fighting for our country. But the question remains, how can the House benefit from freedom already earned? Our friends at Bank of America suggested we charge ‘interest’ for freedom that Americans have put into living in this great country of mine,” Boehner told the Humor Times.

Boehner feels that many Americans, including GOP supporters, will be against charging “interest” for freedom that’s been a right to all Americans since the Declaration of Independence. That’s why Boehner will overstep that fact and will go right in litigation.

“The way my attorneys did the math, each American will owe me $10.00, which will come out of their earnings as a one time fee,” he stated.

When told by this writer that it sounds A LOT like an additional tax, Boehner laughed and said, “Taxes are what Americans pay to politicians for things like suing the leader of the free world and to pay my salary. But I don’t make enough money to bring a lawsuit of this magnitude on my own.”

“I may need a Kickstarter to help me out,” Boehner added.

There isn’t a timetable for John Boehner’s lawsuit against every living American. If a court doesn’t hear the lawsuit, Boehner is prepared to take the case to a daytime TV judge show.

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Lee Mays

Comedian, satirist, comedy writer. Founder of The Heathens of Comedy Tour.