Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/12/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Well-known rescue organization saves shelter puppies, leaves mom behind

If only someone had done this years ago with the Kardashians.

ABC Poll: Republicans about as popular as Ebola

Ebola demands a recount.

Missing from New Zealand’s ski slopes this season? Snow!

Well, now we know where Rob Ford did his rehab.

Ted Cruz: ‘Obama should spend less time on golf course’

Amazing, Obama found a way to get Republicans to complain about someone playing golf.

Is shopping at Costco worth the membership fee?

Yeah, if you eat enough of the free samples.

Hillshire expanding Jimmy Dean products

Ironically, allowing Jimmy Dean products to continue is also expanding Americans.

House Republican declares there’s a “War on Whites”

I hear it’s so dangerous Dick Cheney, Mitt Romney and Rush Limbaugh just got deferments.

Justin Bieber bragged that Miranda Kerr ‘made him a man,’ says source

Wow, she’s a Victoria Secret model and a sex change surgeon.

Kerry in Afghanistan to meet feuding candidates

Why he went to Afghanistan to talk to Rick Perry and Rand Paul is another story.

US agrees to 225 Million more in Military Aid to Israel

It would have been higher, but on Sundays Israel buys Chinese.

Missing from New Zealand’s ski slopes this season? Snow!

Well, now we know where Rob Ford did his rehab.

Family argues with guns; grandpa shoots dad, 11-year-old shoots, kills grandpa

On the upside, next Thanksgiving, they’ll be more stuffing for everyone.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)