Ripping the Headlines Today, 8/25/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Cheney: Obama would ‘rather be on the golf course’ than The Situation Room

President Obama has done the impossible, he’s made Republicans anti-golf.

Kenny Rogers turned 76

His cheek bones 12.

Giant crack in Earth in Mexico sparks fears, stuns scientists

Breaking. Toronto Mayor Rob Ford just volunteered to come down and smoke it.

Gwyneth Paltrow nominates Chris Martin for the ‘ALS Ice Bucket Challenge’

Here’s betting it’s not the first time she made him take a cold shower.

This map is very bad news for Vladimir Putin

Especially if it shows that a big part of Russia is actually inside Sarah Palin’s property lines.

Last year, in total, British police officers fired their weapons three times

No word if they fired at Americans to make them feel at home.

Mark Fuhrman on FOX News as race expert on Ferguson

What? Donald Sterling was unavailable?

Neanderthals and humans had ‘ample time’ to mix, new study says

Larry King: ‘I’m still paying alimony to 3 of them.’

Germany, Italy, ready to send arms to Iraq Kurds

Yeah, that pairing can’t possibly go wrong.

Willie Robertson blames abysmal ‘Duck Dynasty’ ratings on summer season

Or, maybe, it’s people no longer give a duck.

Nicki Minaj’s dancer bitten by a snake during ‘Anaconda’ VMAs rehearsal

No word if Chris Brown apologized.

This should go well: Westboro Baptist Church says it’s going to Iraq to protest ISIS

Now that’s what I call sending in a bunch of drones.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)