Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/8/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Joan Rivers, legendary comedienne, dies at 81

Although her nose was only 22, her cheekbones 12 and her boobs 33.

CeeLo Green deletes Twitter account following rape comments

Apparently, CeeLo is short for Cee How Lo One Person Will Go.

Mike Ditka on Redskins controversy: ‘It’s all the political correct idiots in America’

Spoken like a true Polack.

4-year-old ruins baby sitter’s plan to blame robbery on black man

Why her parents trusted her with Darryl Issa is another story.

CVS stops selling cigarettes

Now people are going to have to get one the old fashioned way, bumming it off a teenage girl.

Miss Spain Patricia Yurena comes out as lesbian

To any guy complaining, stop it, you have exactly the same shot with her, gay or not gay.

Former Rep. Eric Cantor lands big bucks new job on Wall Street

So, although, he may no longer be a Congressman, he can now afford to buy one.

75 questions Toronto Mayor Rob Ford hasn’t answered

Number 1: How do you to take meth and put on weight?

BP was just found grossly negligent in the gulf oil spill disaster

On the up side, people can still just back up to the gulf to fill ‘er up.

Police are investigating the armed robbery of a Taco Bell minutes

This could take awhile. The perps now have plenty of gas.

Ted Cruz preparing run for President in 2016

When did Canada become part of Kenya?

Nick Cannon concerned about Mariah’s mental state

Nick, her going out with you in the first place wasn’t a clue?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)