Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/15/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Walmart workers unhappy about new ‘dress code’

Yeah, the ones who need a dress code at Walmart are the customers.

Justin Bieber strips after getting booed at Fashion Rocks

I guess one way to stop boos is to get them laughing.

Miley Cyrus wears pasties instead of a shirt

If that info didn’t bring Joan RIvers back to life, nothing will.

Orthodox Jews seeking new home in Guatemala

Well, the country was known as Guatemalaberg before it changed its name.

BP was just found grossly negligent in the gulf oil spill disaster

On the up side, people can still just back up to the gulf to fill ‘er up.

Sarah Palin clan reportedly involved in huge drunken brawl

Good thing they quit in the middle or someone might have got hurt.

Burger King is serving up an all black bun in Japan

I hear it’s going to be known as the Burger Don King.

Here are all the volcanoes in the US — and how dangerous they are

Oh look, there’s Alec Baldwin.

ISIS claims it now has terrorist cells in India

Great, now even the terrorists are outsourcing.

Ray Donovan’ star Steven Bauer, 57, steps out with 18-year-old girlfriend

Well, someone had to pick her up after her 1st day back in H.S.

Summer break over, must-do tasks await Congress

Number 1: Make reservations for that next vacation.

Apple to give away U2’s new album on iTunes

They were going to pay folks to take Justin Bieber’s new album, but even Apple doesn’t have that much cash.

Author
Recent Posts

Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)