Ripping the Headlines Today, 9/22/14: Madden NFL

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to: “Madden NFL 15 Top Video Game” and much more

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Madden NFL 15 top video game

Look for the special edition where the players are even more realistic, called “Madden NFL: 15-to-Life.”

The average white American only has one black friend

I call dibs on Oprah.

President Obama said ISIS isn’t Islamic

Conservatives don’t know whether to disagree or say “as a Muslim, the President should know.”

Scots spurn independence in historic vote

Scotland’s new motto is “I’m UK, You’re UK.”

NIKE drops Adrian Peterson

No word if they offered factory jobs to his kids….

President Obama met with Ebola survivor Kent Brantly in the Oval Office

Causing FOX news to come out in favor of Ebola.

South Korea detains American trying to swim to the North

Hey, next time, you might want to book a flight, Dennis Rodman.

New Al Qaeda India branch attacks wrong ship

What do you expect? You always sacrifice quality when you outsource.

Kanye West demands fan in wheelchair stand up

In fairness, he probably was asking himself, “What would Yeezus do?”

Gerard Depardieu said he drinks 14 bottles of wine a day

Proving even the French need subtitles to know what the hell he’s saying.

Mississippi coroner advises residents to shoot burglars

In fairness, for him it is a good way to drum up business.

White House evacuated after man jumps fence

You’d think Joe Biden could get an appointment.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)