Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/6/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

White House now has automatic locking system on front doors

For fun, nobody tell Biden.

Officials: Fence jumper made it into East Room of White House

Meaning he got closer to the Oval Office than Mitt Romney.

California Governor signs law banning old plastic bags

Luckily, Joan Rivers was buried before the ban took affect.

Michael Phelps arrested for DUI

Apparently, swimming isn’t the only thing he does like a fish.

USA Today: First weekend in 50 years America with no Saturday morning cartoons

Apparently, they haven’t watched FOX News, CNN and MSNBC.

Kim Kardashian shows her famous butt

As opposed to her famous ass… Kanye.

Watch protesters tear down a massive Lenin statue in Ukraine

Calm down Beatle fans, that’s Lenin not Lennon.

Former Haitian Dictator ‘Baby Doc’ dies

Condolences were sent by Baby Sleepy, Baby Dopey, Baby Bashful, Baby Grumpy, Baby Sneezy and Baby Happy.

Brad and Angelina miss Clooney wedding

Sadly, the only people that will babysit that many kids on short notice is Boko Haram.

Jennifer Lopez hit by drunk driver, uploads selfie to express anguish

Thank god for her rear bumpers.

Clintons “so happy” about granddaughter Charlotte

With a name like ‘Charlotte’ looks like they think North Carolina’s in play in 2016.

FOX News applauds W. for his handling of Iraq

Good thing Jeffrey Dahmer’s dead, or they’d be praising his use of paprika.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)