Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/14/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Creepy clowns stalk California town

No word if anyone got the license plate of the one car that drove off with all 40 of them.

5 of the last 12 Nobel Peace Prize winners have been Muslims

6, if you watch FOX News and count President Obama.

Gwyneth Paltrow to President Obama: ‘You’re so handsome I can barely speak’

If only the President was a little handsomer.

New York State trying to put a “Women’s Equality Party” on the ballot

The only problem is each vote will only count as 77% of a normal vote.

‘The Flash’ among fall TV’s best shows

And, for those wondering, it is not about Stephen Collins.

US Hospitals are prepared for Ebola, experts say

They should send in Kobe Bryant to deal with it. Because once he catches something he never shares it.

NATO can put troops wherever it wants, new Secretary-General says

And, then added, ‘I sunk your battleship!’

Happy Birthday, Sharon Osbourne

Or, as Ozzie put it, ‘Hufvjy bidgyhghy’

Seattle votes to change Columbus Day to Indigenous People Day

For Seattle, that means it’s a celebration of hipsters and tech geeks.

A Delaware 4-year-old brought 250 packets of heroin to pre-school

Parent: Oh, you said ‘your turn to bring snacks’ not smack.

Palins started second fight after cops arrived

No word if Putin called to have them keep the noise down from his house.

Ebola can attack the human brain

Making Congress safe.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)