Ripping the Headlines Today, 10/28/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Justin Bieber gets in the ring with Floyd Mayweather

Just this once, I’m in favor of Mayweather hitting a girl.

Judge rules Trump University is a fake

No word if ‘Celebrity Apprentice’ winners will have to give back their trophies.

Nebraska H.S to let students pose for Yearbook with guns

Guessing it’s the closest they’ll come to a high caliber education.

Man warns Obama ‘don’t touch my girlfriend’

No word who Bill Clinton was talking about.

NYC has its first Ebola case

Luckily, because it’s from Africa, there’s no chance it’ll get picked up by a NYC cab driver.

Police arrest one of 20 clowns terrorizing county in California

The other 19 were seen fleeing in one tiny car.

China launches first mission to moon and back

Making it the longest takeout delivery on record.

World’s first genetically modified babies will graduate high school this year

Instead of SATs, they’re taking their GMOs.

Quarantined health worker in Newark planning legal action over “inhumane treatment”

Well, she is being made to stay in Newark.

Oops! Anthony Weiner Did It AGAIN

You gotta figure with all that free time he’d be dicking around.

NYC now has street named after George Carlin

In fact, cab drivers have already used all 7 words you can’t say on TV while stuck in traffic on it.

Woman arrested at restaurant after insisting Jesus Christ would pay for her dinner

In fairness, he’s the one who turned their water into an expensive Merlot.

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)