Ripping the Headlines Today, 11/4/14

Making fun of the headlines today, so you don’t have to

The news doesn’t need to be complicated and confusing; that’s what any new release from Microsoft is for. And, as in the case with anything from Microsoft, to keep the news from worrying our pretty little heads over, remember something new and equally indecipherable will come out soon.

Really all you need to do is follow one simple rule: barely pay attention and jump to conclusions. So, here are some headlines today and my first thoughts:

Jose Canseco ‘accidentally’ shot off his finger

Good job, Jose, give me a high four!

Fireball Whisky was recalled in Finland because it has a type of antifreeze in it

If you drink too much you get sent to AAA instead of AA.

Apple CEO Tim Cook came out as gay

In six months look for Samsung’s CEO to do the same.

A-Rod eligible for Yankees as suspension ends

And, thanks to steroids he’s also eligible for Kentucky Derby.

They found a piece of Amelia Earhart’s plane

Not surprisingly, all of her luggage is still missing.

Ford Motors to replace airbags

While Toronto has just replaced its Ford windbag.

Woman stuck in chimney arrested

I guess it’s illegal to soot yourself.

German scientists prove there is life after death

While comedy open mics continue to prove there is death during life.

40kg of cocaine found on Mitch McConnell’s father-in-law’s boat

Rob Ford: Hey, Mitch, does your wife have a sister?

Happy 43rd B-day, Winona Ryder

Here’s hoping you shoplift something nice for yourself.

President Obama in Wisconsin campaigning to defeat Gov Walker

No word if that means he’s campaigning for or against Walker.

It’s National Nut Day

Who knew Glenn Beck has his own day?

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Paul Lander

Paul Lander is not sure which he is proudest of -- winning the Noble Peace Prize or sending Congolese gynecologist Dr. Denis Mukwege to accept it on his behalf, bringing to light the plight of African women in war-torn countries. In his non-daydreaming hours, Paul has written for Weekly Humorist, National Lampoon, American Bystander, Huff Post Comedy, McSweeney's, Bombeck Writers Workshop Blog and the Humor Times, written and/or produced for multiple TV shows and written standup material that's been performed on Maher, The Daily Show, Colbert, Kimmel, etc. Now, on to Paul's time-commanding Special Forces in Khandahar… (See all of Paul's "Ripping the Headlines Today" columns here.)